Everyone has very personal ideas and expectations about having children sleep independently or in a “family bed.”  If you would like your one year old to be more independent in his sleeping habits, then read on.

There are four stages of sleep.  You and I get to our light sleep stage and we have learned to roll over, move our arm, not think of that thought, and fall asleep.  This is a LEARNED behavior.  The more a child becomes dependent on you helping him through this transition, the less likely he is to independently decide that, due to his current age, he should take the big step and handle things on his own.  A four month old has a limited repertoire of thoughts to distract him, in contrast to the 12 month old.  All he can do, perhaps, is roll over, but the 12 month old can pull himself to a stand, walk around the crib, maybe even scream your name.  The more highly developed (older) the child, the more distraction he’ll have to learn to deal with before he can settle himself.

Many one year old kids will use breast feeding as a pacifier for both day and night time “transitional” moments.  These are moments of boredom, frustration, fatigue, etc.  Usually around 9 months, children will learn how to become more independent, attaching themselves to “lovies,” blankets, their own thumb, etc.  Some babies, however, attach themselves to their mother.  If that is the case, I would suggest the following.

First, change your day time habits.  Begin breastfeeding at strict, ritual times of the day.  For example, right before his nap, right before bedtime, first thing in the morning.  Always nurse in the same place (for example, his bedroom).  When he becomes frustrated and wants to nurse on other occasions, offer him cheerios, let him put his feet in the water in the sink – do anything but nurse him.  This is a week of hell, but then he begins not needing YOU for all of his “transitional” moments.  When he is quite comfortable with this, and not having temper tantrums in between nursing sessions, then take step 2.

On a Friday night, when no one has to go to work the next day and your neighbors are all prepared for noise, and perhaps your other sibling is informed of the plan and put to sleep in a distant room, nurse the baby to sleep as usual.  Much easier if the baby is in his own room, not yours.  Then, when he predictably awakens, irate at being left, have his loving father go in and spend around 60 seconds with him, basically reassuring him that he is not deserted, but that he needs to learn to handle this himself.  Dad leaves, Gregory cries for 20-30 horrible minutes, Dad reappears, and repeats the exact same 60 seconds of behavior that certainly don’t satisfy Gregory, but reassure him, again, that he is not alone.  I should have said to make sure that both you and your husband are on the same “page” before you try this.  If one parent decides “oh, he is too young” and intervenes to rescue him, it simply makes it harder for the child later on to learn that keeping up the crying will not necessarily bring a parent.  Usually, Friday is rough, Saturday is much better, and Sunday you sleep.  I think it is quite reasonable to ask him to go without his Mother for 6 hours on Friday and 8 hours on Saturday and thereafter.  Most parents report this was easier than they thought.